Akhlaq
Parents and family
"Not even 'uff'"
4 min, Intro
The Qur'an places kindness to parents right after worshipping God. It forbids even a sigh of irritation at them in old age. The family, including relatives, is where character is tested first.
Draft written with AI help: awaiting scholar review
The thread
The Qur'an puts kindness to parents right after the worship of God, and rules out even a sigh of irritation. This lesson follows that duty from a parent in old age, to a man asking the Prophet who comes first, to converts whose parents do not share their faith.
When a parent grows old
What does a grown child owe a parent? The Qur'an answers in a telling place. In several passages it puts kindness to parents immediately after the command to worship God alone.
Then it turns to old age. When parents reach it, the Qur'an says, do not say to them even "uff", a sound of irritation. Speak to them with respect. Lower to them the wing of humility, out of mercy.
It even gives the words of a prayer to say for them: "My Lord, have mercy on them as they raised me when I was small."
۞ وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعۡبُدُوٓاْ إِلَّآ إِيَّاهُ وَبِٱلۡوَٰلِدَيۡنِ إِحۡسَٰنًاۚ إِمَّا يَبۡلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ ٱلۡكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَآ أَوۡ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفࣲّ وَلَا تَنۡهَرۡهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوۡلࣱا كَرِيمࣱا ٢٣ وَٱخۡفِضۡ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ ٱلذُّلِّ مِنَ ٱلرَّحۡمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ٱرۡحَمۡهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرࣱا ٢٤
23 Your Lord has ordained that you worship none but Him, and show kindness to parents. If one or both of them reach old age in your care, do not say to them a word of annoyance nor scold them, rather speak to them noble words,
24 and lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy, and say, “My Lord, have mercy upon them as they raised me when I was small.”
The Qur'an rules out even a sigh of irritation at a parent in old age.
Your mother, three times over
A man put a question to the Prophet ﷺ: who most deserved his good companionship?
The answer was: your mother. The man asked: then who? Your mother. Then who? Your mother. Then who? Your father.
Why the mother, three times? The Qur'an points to the reason: a mother carries her child in weakness upon weakness.
وَوَصَّيۡنَا ٱلۡإِنسَٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيۡهِ حَمَلَتۡهُ أُمُّهُۥ وَهۡنًا عَلَىٰ وَهۡنࣲ وَفِصَٰلُهُۥ فِي عَامَيۡنِ أَنِ ٱشۡكُرۡ لِي وَلِوَٰلِدَيۡكَ إِلَيَّ ٱلۡمَصِيرُ ١٤
14 We have enjoined upon man kindness to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning took place within two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents. To Me is the final return.
A man asked, "Who among people is most deserving of my good companionship?" He said, "Your mother." He asked, "Then who?" He said, "Your mother." He asked, "Then who?" He said, "Your mother." He asked, "Then who?" He said, "Then your father."
Sahih al-Bukhari 5971, Sahih Muslim 2548 Sahih In Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim
In this hadith the mother comes first, three times over, and then the father.
When parent and child differ in faith
Many converts to Islam have non-Muslim parents. So what happens to the duty of kindness when parent and child no longer share a faith?
The Qur'an answers directly. If parents push their child to associate others with God, the child does not obey them in that. But the child keeps their company in this world with kindness.
Islamic teaching is clear that the relationship of honour continues.
وَإِن جَٰهَدَاكَ عَلَىٰٓ أَن تُشۡرِكَ بِي مَا لَيۡسَ لَكَ بِهِۦ عِلۡمࣰ فَلَا تُطِعۡهُمَاۖ وَصَاحِبۡهُمَا فِي ٱلدُّنۡيَا مَعۡرُوفࣱاۖ وَٱتَّبِعۡ سَبِيلَ مَنۡ أَنَابَ إِلَيَّۚ ثُمَّ إِلَيَّ مَرۡجِعُكُمۡ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمۡ تَعۡمَلُونَ ١٥
15 But if they strive to make you associate partners with Me of what you have no knowledge, then do not obey them. Yet keep company with them in this world with kindness, and follow the way of those who turn to Me [in repentance]. Then to Me is your return, and I will inform you of what you used to do.
Disagreeing in faith does not cancel kindness to parents.